This is a reviewed and extended version of a series of posts already published on my friend Luca Cipriani newsletter.
My mentor once told me: "Humans suck at communicating". After a years of managing, I had to agree with him. And probably engineers are even worse than the average human.
The vast majority of engineer managers come from a background in engineering. For this reason, they have no formal training in communication strategies (as opposed to sales or marketing people).
I was no exception.
Now, several books and a lot of practice later (including a fair amount of screw-ups), I'd like to share some of the things I learned.
Communication with purpose
I Can Only Show You The Door. You're The One That Has To Walk Through It. Morpheus (The Matrix - 1999)
I was recently re-watching "The Matrix" (1999). In a scene, Neo meets the Oracle. She is supposed to reveal him if he is "the One" or not. But she doesn't confirm nor deny it. Instead she reveals that he will be able to save Morpheus' life. This revelation will lead Neo on the path of becoming "the One".
I like this scene because it expresses my thoughts on what communication should be: it is a means to an end.
“Communication” is not saying what you think, it is deliberately seeding a thought. Think of it like casting a spell.
Ok, but how?
The prerequisite of effective communication is the integrity of the person delivering the message and the trust that derives from it. That means be consistent with your messages and actions.
The Oracle in the film, always said the truth (although sometimes in a cryptic way) and her intentions were always consistent. This is why she was asked and listen to.
Do it in the way that achieves the best outcome
There are different communication techniques that are appropriate in different contexts.
- CRM (Cockpit resource management): developed to enhance interpersonal communication, leadership, and decision making in the cockpit of an airliner.
- NVC (Non Violent communication): developed as a tool to resolve conflicts
- Clean language: a counseling technique to elicit unbiased answers
These are just some examples, but the real point I want to make is that every one of these frameworks aims to achieve the best outcome in a particular situation.
Some examples
Situation: Your partner asks you: "Do you think I am getting fat?"
Option A:
yes, you are getting fat
Option B:
I love you the way you are
Option A might be factually true, but the effect is to crush your partner's self-esteem and make them feel bad. Is this the outcome you wanted to achieve?
Option B is not just avoiding to answer the question, it is rejecting the premise. It aims to make them feel better, communicating that it does not matter to you.
Also consider the subtext of the question can be "Does it matter to you if I am getting fat ?"
Note: It is important that this is truthful otherwise it is manipulative. Remember that integrity is a fundamental prerequisite!
Here is an example from my experience as an engineering manager:
Situation: In one of my previous companies, we used to organize Hack Days, presentations and other nice initiatives. They were part of the amazing culture we had and the attendance was great. However, our engineering team was quite small and from time to time you had to skip one of these initiatives to do regular work. This guidance was left unwritten and after a few years, one team member was regularly attending every single of these events, even when the situation required them to deal with their product.
Time for the manager to give a steer! But what is the best possible way to deliver the message?
Option A:
You should not participate in presentation/hackday/etc if you need to perform urgent work
Here's what I aim to achieve:
- communicate that regular work is a priority
- the team member doesn't feel trusted
- the team member is afraid this will harm the great culture we have
Option B:
I know that from time to time you might feel overwhelmed by the work you have to do on your product. When this happens, feel free to skip the presentation/hackday/etc. I will do my best to not make it happen often.
Here is what I aim to achieve:
- communicate that regular work is a priority
- the team member is feeling trusted that they will take the best course of action
- the team member know that I care about their workload
- the team member understand my commitment to maintaining the culture we have
What of the 2 messages do you think is achieving the best outcome?
Closing
As an engineer, talking with people doesn't look like working. But it is indeed a lot of work if done properly.
It requires you to go to “one-to-ones” prepared to deliver difficult messages in the best possible way. To write and rewrite messages or emails several times.
With this in mind, remember that as a leader/manager your duty is to lead your team to the best outcome. Just like The Oracle was able to lead Neo to be “the One”.