This is a reviewed and extended version of a series of posts already published on my friend Luca Cipriani newsletter.
Barbara was looking at me, without saying a word. I have told her everything about the upcoming changes in the organization, but she looked at me with a poker face.
I was uncomfortable. She is much closer than me to the team and the project, what she knows is important to me, to get the feeling of the situation. How can I make her speak freely?
Managing without information is like flying blind, and the best way to get information is a well managed one to one.
One-to-ones are the management practice of meeting members of your team individually. They have been a staple of management for a long time.
Even though you can use them to give extra context, their main purpose is to give a safe place where people can be listened to.
What you can get out of people varies greatly depending on how open they are, how safe they feel etc. And, being the manager, you need to be driving the team member to tell you what is important.
Let’s see how to get more out of these meetings.
Establish a relation
Starting with small talk can help make people comfortable. If you know any personal details about the team member, you could ask about that. Even better if it is something the two of you have in common.
Sometimes, you can start the session by telling something that happened to you (something light hearted and funny). What you don’t want is to elicit negative emotions, or make the other uncomfortable. If you open yourself first you have better chances to make the other to open. And perhaps to find things you have in common.
Careful to not be too personal, especially at the beginning. This could feel creepy and make people uncomfortable.
In remote calls, I usually keep the background un-blurred with some books, pictures, anything that can help giving some hint about me. This is intentional. It is an attempt to create something relatable that can start a conversation and helps to find something in common. Similarly, I pay attention to the object I could see in the background of the other person. This way, I managed to bond on a common interest on music (my guitar was in the background) or asking questions about 3d printing (I could see a 3d printer in the background).
Take notes
I usually take notes of my one to ones. I keep in these notes everything that helps me to follow up (in the next one to one), and every detail that I wish I would be able to remember about the other person. Including personal ones. How open and relaxed would you feel if your manager would remember the name of your kids and your hobbies ? This is often very difficult (at least for me) especially with people I don't deal very often (I had up tp 60 indirect reports at some point!).
Fire a random relevant question
When I don’t have anything in particular to ask, I pick a question from my mental list of useful things to know. For example:
- Ask about skills growth and current interests
- Ask feedback about other team members
- Ask feelings about business or projects
- Ask about the team member wellbeing
Then you can pick up from the answer (or even the body language) and start digging.
Drive to an answer
The way you phrase a question can help getting more detailed answers.
Avoid yes/no questions if possible. Instead of asking: “Are you learning enough?”, ask: “What are you learning?”
Or try implying that there is some feedback for you. For example, instead of asking: “What do you think about project X?”, ask: “What would you have done differently on project X?”
Or turn this into a request: “Tell me at least one thing that you would have done differently on project X.”
Use this trick sparingly though.
Ask one more question
Not every one-to-ones are equally productive. There are times when there is not much to say. But it is still important that they are scheduled regularly, otherwise you are risking to miss or be late to know something important.
Also useful information are not always emerging easily. For this reason you should keep asking questions until you are both satisfied.
It is not about you
There is nothing worse than to interrupt while the team member is opening.
Write down what you want to say instead, and discuss it afterwards.
A particular case is when you have found yourself in a similar situation, and you want to talk about it. In this case, I recommend talking about your experience only if you are sure that this is going to be useful.
Do not be afraid of silence
It is equally important do not be afraid of a few seconds of silence. They can feel like an eternity, but they might be necessary for the other person to process and to think what to say next.
Empathic listening
One of the 7 Habits of Highly effective people (S.Covey) is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”.
The author describes a technique called empathic listening. This is particularly useful when the situation is charged with emotions. For example, when the team member is angry or upset.
In a nutshell, you have to repeat back what the team member just said, paraphrasing or asking more details. You have to get everything out, and ensure the other that you fully understand. Do not be tempted to interrupt prematurely, proposing a solution or (even worse) minimising the concerns. Better to just listen and to come up with a solution in another moment, when there are less emotions at play. Being listened to is a basic human need!
Learn when to retreat
Lastly, there are situations where it is just pointless and potentially harmful to have a one to one. In case of difficult personal circumstances, for example. In that case make yourself available to listen or to do something if there is anything you can do, and reschedule the one to one. In difficult personal situation you can offer your hear, but not beyond that. Don't forget you are a manager, not a counselor!
Closing
One-to-ones are tricky.
Not everyone opens easily, someone needs help, and everyone can have important information to share with you. To make sensible decisions you need a deep understanding of the current situation, and being able to get more from the one-to-ones enables you to do so.